Awkwardness: A Theory

"This is awkward: you greet an acquaintance you haven't seen for a while. One of you goes in for a hug; the other initially offers a handshake, then leans in, by which time the hugger is hesitating. In the end, you both do a half-hearted back pat, and then settle into stilted small talk. Variation: suppose the friend is one from who you've been estranged- your last encounter ended in a falling-out, but that was some time ago, and you haven't spoken since. Does this make things more awkward? This is awkward, too: you're a graduate student having dinner with a distinguished visiting speaker who wants to hear more about your research. Suddenly, as you're talking, a piece of food flies out of your mouth and lands on their pristine black sweater. Did they seeit? Do they know? They must know. But there's no acknowledgement; you try not to stare at it, and continue the interaction, saying nothing. And this is awkward: someone you consider a friend is engaging in inappropriate flirting at work. They've been going to bars with subordinates after work, and even hooked up with one or two. You think this is sexual harassment, and you know you should talk to them about it, but you can't seem to figure out how to have the conversation"--
Awkwardness offers an overview of the psychology and philosophy of awkwardness, addressing questions like, Why do social interactions become awkward, and why does it matter? What can awkwardness teach us about the gaps in our understanding of the world and of each other? Drawing on the psychology of emotion and social norms, Alexandra Plakias posits a theory of awkwardness and explains how it differs from other self-conscious emotions like embarassment. Plakias explores the reasons why we find awkwardness so unpleasant, and shows how our desire to avoid it leads to negative moral and social consequences. Along the way, this book touches on topics like awkward pauses, cringe comedy, and the question of whether some people are more awkward than others.
Awkwardness offers an account of the psychology and philosophical significance of a ubiquitous social phenomenon. Our aversion to awkwardness mirrors our desire for inclusion. This explains its power to influence and silence us: as social creatures, we don't want to mark ourselves as outsiders. As a result, our fear of awkwardness inhibits critique and conversation, acting as an impediment to moral and social progress. Even the act of describing people as "awkward" exacerbates existing inequities, by consigning them to a social status that gives them less access to the social goods (knowledge, confidence, social esteem) needed to navigate potentially awkward situations.Awkwardness discusses how we ostracize and punish those who fail to fit into existing social categories; how we all depend on--and are limited by--social scripts and norms for guidance; and how these norms frequently let us down when we need them. But awkwardness has a positive side: it can highlight opportunities for moral and social improvement, by revealing areas where our social norms and scripts fail to meet our needs or have yet to catch up with changing social and moral realities. Awkwardness ultimately underscores the conflict between our moral motivations and our desire for social approval and conformity.